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humor:quick_jokes
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| - | Quick Jokes | + | |
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| + | **Introduction to Quick Jokes: **Thanks to all funny people through time. My part is to simplify long jokes into one sentence. -Royce | ||
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| + | {{ :humor:ontu-humor-forweb-jpg.jpg?nolink&220x165 }}**FOOD Jokes and Puns** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * Why did the orange go blind? He was low on vitamin C (See)!\\ | ||
| + | * Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.\\ | ||
| + | * I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.\\ | ||
| + | * Why did the cook get arrested? He was caught beating an egg and didn't carrot all.\\ | ||
| + | * A cannibal showed up late for dinner, so they gave him the cold shoulder.\\ | ||
| + | * She accidentally drank food coloring, and dyed a little inside.\\ | ||
| + | * He stepped on a grape, it let out a little whine.\\ | ||
| + | * The guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.\\ | ||
| + | * I moved to a garden, it turned out the neighbors are bananas, but life is peachy, although a bit nuts. Orange you glad I moved here. It's apples and oranges from my old farm. The fruit of our labor really grows, little Berry started to get Peach Fuzz. I went to a music festival called BeanStock with my friend Berry, it was an organic experience. Good for the ol' melon.\\ | ||
| + | . | ||
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| + | {{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}.\\ | ||
| + | **ANIMAL Jokes and Puns** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * The second mouse gets the cheese.\\ | ||
| + | * A sad horse walks into a store, and the employee says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"\\ | ||
| + | * You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna-fish.\\ | ||
| + | * Don't play games with the fastest mammal, he's a cheetah.\\ | ||
| + | * At the zoo cafeteria, lions cut to the front of the line. When questioned, they said they can't change their "spots".\\ | ||
| + | * Half-man half-horses always try to be the "centaur" of attention.\\ | ||
| + | * A duck ran into a bag of potato chips. His duck friends said he always has a chip on shoulder. The duck replied they are all trying to ruffle his feathers.\\ | ||
| + | . | ||
| + | |||
| + | {{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}.\\ | ||
| + | **MEDICAL Jokes and Puns** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * Awaking in a hospital, Bob couldn't feel his legs. The doc shouts, "Because I cut off your hands!"\\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | . | ||
| + | |||
| + | {{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}.\\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | **TECH Jokes and Puns** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * Two antennas got married. The ceremony was noisy, but the reception was excellent.\\ | ||
| + | . | ||
| + | |||
| + | {{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}.\\ | ||
| + | **CRIME Jokes and Puns** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * A psychic dwarf escaped prison. He was a Small Medium at Large.\\ | ||
| + | * A crime in a parking garage is wrong on many levels.\\ | ||
| + | * Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.\\ | ||
| + | * A criminal happily walked into a police station, asking what the plan is. He explained he saw a sign saying he's wanted for a bank robbery, and is happy to start the robbery any time.\\ | ||
| + | * A communist joke is illegal to laugh at until everyone has heard it.\\ | ||
| + | * Airport security are really some detectives, they are always "cracking cases".\\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | {{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}.\\ | ||
| + | **MONEY Jokes and Puns** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * I used to be a banker but I lost interest .\\ | ||
| + | * Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.\\ | ||
| + | . | ||
| + | |||
| + | {{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}.\\ | ||
| + | **NATURE Jokes and Puns** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * Don't test the depth of a river with both feet.\\ | ||
| + | * How does a tree feel at spring? Relieved.\\ | ||
| + | .{{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}.\\ | ||
| + | **SPORTS Jokes and Puns** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.\\ | ||
| + | . | ||
| + | |||
| + | {{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}.\\ | ||
| + | **SCIENCE Jokes and Puns** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * New theories on inertia never gain momentum.\\ | ||
| + | * I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.\\ | ||
| + | * I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.\\ | ||
| + | * Space was completely cool before it mattered.\\ | ||
| + | * How does NASA organize a party? They planet!\\ | ||
| + | * Think like a proton and stay positive.\\ | ||
| + | * Where does bad light end up? In a prism.\\ | ||
| + | * Never trust an atom, they make up everything.\\ | ||
| + | * Where does an astronaut writer hang out? He Escapes to the Space Bar. He had no Control of his Shift.\\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | {{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}.\\ | ||
| + | **INSULT Jokes and Puns** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * You're not just a tool, you're the entire shed.\\ | ||
| + | * You're not the sharpest crayon in the silverware bucket.\\ | ||
| + | .{{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}.\\ | ||
| + | **MORE (misc) Jokes and Puns** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * Did you hear about the sickly juggler? He couldn't stop throwing up!\\ | ||
| + | * A man walks into a bar, and says "Ouch!". (He ran into a pole, which is a bar).\\ | ||
| + | * Why did the mermaid go blind? She was low on vitamin SEA.\\ | ||
| + | * Seven days without a pun make one week.\\ | ||
| + | * A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."\\ | ||
| + | * An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.\\ | ||
| + | * I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.\\ | ||
| + | * To write with a broken pencil is pointless.\\ | ||
| + | * When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at Will'.\\ | ||
| + | * They put up a sign at AA rehab, it said 'Keep off the Grass'.\\ | ||
| + | * A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.\\ | ||
| + | * The smart carpenter nailed it, then the newbie screwed it up.\\ | ||
| + | * I couldn't figure out lightning, then it struck me.\\ | ||
| + | * Guess what's in my will, it's a dead giveaway.\\ | ||
| + | * Santa Clause must live in Brazil, because our gifts came from the Amazon.\\ | ||
| + | * Glue salespeople stick to their word.\\ | ||
| + | * I almost bought a book about phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.\\ | ||
| + | * I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.\\ | ||
| + | * Small babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies are delivered by crane.\\ | ||
| + | * You're stunning when you hold the taser that way.\\ | ||
| + | * You may have my old batteries, free of charge.\\ | ||
| + | * Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.\\ | ||
| + | * I like a tight bracelet, but I just can't pull it off.\\ | ||
| + | * Cold? Stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.\\ | ||
| + | * Why did the snowman call his dog Frost? Because Frost bites.\\ | ||
| + | * Waldo wears stripes because he doesn't wish to be spotted.\\ | ||
| + | * What's a plumbers’ favorite shoes? Clogs.\\ | ||
| + | * The fire at the circus was in-tents.\\ | ||
| + | * What's the great thing about Switzerland? Their flag is a big plus!\\ | ||
| + | * How did the construction worker cut a tunnel through rock? He had a professor "boar" it to pieces.\\ | ||
| + | * Crafting airplane parts for a movie, is quite easy, it's a bunch of visual "props".\\ | ||
| + | * As an airplane mechanic, I have to give airports "props" for "propelling" my career. I like the spinning atmosphere.\\ | ||
| + | * On a road trip, I needed a mechanic. He asked what brings me around these "parts".\\ | ||
| + | * A peace officer held his speed meter far out the window, and a man on a motorcycle hit his arm on it. The officer got a black and blue eye from the speed meter. The officer said, "We clocked each other!"\\ | ||
| + | * I'm competing for the "spokes-person" job at a bicycle tire factory.\\ | ||
| + | * I asked a mermaid if her fridge is running. She said no, it's swimming.\\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | {{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}.\\ | ||
| + | **From Internet Memes aka Motivational Posters** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * If the pen is mightier than the sword, why do actions speak louder than words?\\ | ||
| + | * What if I like it, but don't put a ring on it?\\ | ||
| + | * I notice a gentleman, do I say Hey or Hello?\\ | ||
| + | . | ||
| + | |||
| + | {{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}.\\ | ||
| + | **Advice for Jokes and Timing** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * Don't laugh at your jokes.\\ | ||
| + | * Don't mess up the punch line.\\ | ||
| + | * Dirty/pervy/gross/raciest/sexist/toilet/mean jokes aren't creative or funny.\\ | ||
| + | * Jokes exist to brighten your day, and should only bring happiness to others.\\ | ||
| + | * Long jokes irritate people.\\ | ||
| + | . | ||
| + | |||
| + | {{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}.\\ | ||
| + | **Internet Resources** \\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | * [[http://whatport80.com/Main_Page|http://whatport80.com/Main_Page]] is an encyclopedia of Internet Memes (Popular Jokes/Fads), and spoofs of culture. | ||
| + | |||
| + | * PunPedia, an encyclopedia of puns: [[http://punpedia.org/|http://punpedia.org/]] | ||
| + | |||
| + | . | ||
| + | |||
| + | {{ :spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg?nolink&400x45 |spacerline-ontuorg-forweb-mini.jpg}}. | ||
| + | |||
| + | **FootNotes and Misc…** | ||
| + | |||
| + | * I've done my best to shorten the long-winded jokes I hear, to maximimise face-palm laughter.\\ | ||
| + | * This page is dedicated to quick puns and jokes! Ultra-quick one-liners to crack up your kids and friends.\\ | ||
| + | * Similar pages on this website: Marriage Jokes. Christian Bumper Stickers. Silly Words. Internet Chat Lingo. Internet Emotes & Leet Speak. Poetry.\\ | ||
| + | . | ||
humor/quick_jokes.1504840159.txt.gz · Last modified: 2017/09/08 03:09 by reb
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