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humor:quick_jokes

Paws for Puns, by Royce E. Barber and other authors.Introduction
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* Thank you to the countless people who have made and improved these puns over the years.

* I've done my best to shorten the long-winded jokes I hear, to maximimise face-palm laughter.
* This page is dedicated to quick puns and jokes! Ultra-quick one-liners to crack up your kids and friends.
* Similar pages on this website: Marriage Jokes. Christian Bumper Stickers. Silly Words. Internet Chat Lingo. Internet Emotes & Leet Speak. Poetry.
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FOOD Jokes and Puns
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* Why did the orange go blind? He was low on vitamin C (See)!
* Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
* I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
* Why did the cook get arrested? He was caught beating an egg and didn't carrot all.
* A cannibal showed up late for dinner, so they gave him the cold shoulder.
* She accidentally drank food coloring, and dyed a little inside.
* He stepped on a grape, it let out a little whine.
* The guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
* I moved to a garden, it turned out the neighbors are bananas, but life is peachy, although a bit nuts. Orange you glad I moved here. It's apples and oranges from my old farm. The fruit of our labor really grows, little Berry started to get Peach Fuzz. I went to a music festival called BeanStock with my friend Berry, it was an organic experience. Good for the ol' melon.
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ANIMAL Jokes and Puns
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* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* A sad horse walks into a store, and the employee says “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
* You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna-fish.
* Don't play games with the fastest mammal, he's a cheetah.
* At the zoo cafeteria, lions cut to the front of the line. When questioned, they said they can't change their “spots”.
* Half-man half-horses always try to be the “centaur” of attention.
* A duck ran into a bag of potato chips. His duck friends said he always has a chip on shoulder. The duck replied they are all trying to ruffle his feathers.
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MEDICAL Jokes and Puns
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* Awaking in a hospital, Bob couldn't feel his legs. The doc shouts, “Because I cut off your hands!”
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TECH Jokes and Puns
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* Two antennas got married. The ceremony was noisy, but the reception was excellent.
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CRIME Jokes and Puns
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* A psychic dwarf escaped prison. He was a Small Medium at Large.
* A crime in a parking garage is wrong on many levels.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* A criminal happily walked into a police station, asking what the plan is. He explained he saw a sign saying he's wanted for a bank robbery, and is happy to start the robbery any time.
* A communist joke is illegal to laugh at until everyone has heard it.
* Airport security are really some detectives, they are always “cracking cases”.
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MONEY Jokes and Puns
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* I used to be a banker but I lost interest .
* Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.
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NATURE Jokes and Puns
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* Don't test the depth of a river with both feet.
* How does a tree feel at spring? Relieved.
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SPORTS Jokes and Puns
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* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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SCIENCE Jokes and Puns
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* New theories on inertia never gain momentum.
* I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
* I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
* Space was completely cool before it mattered.
* How does NASA organize a party? They planet!
* Think like a proton and stay positive.
* Where does bad light end up? In a prism.
* Never trust an atom, they make up everything.
* Where does an astronaut writer hang out? He Escapes to the Space Bar. He had no Control of his Shift.
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INSULT Jokes and Puns
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* You're not just a tool, you're the entire shed.
* You're not the sharpest crayon in the silverware bucket.
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MORE (misc) Jokes and Puns
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* Did you hear about the sickly juggler? He couldn't stop throwing up!
* A man walks into a bar, and says “Ouch!”. (He ran into a pole, which is a bar).
* Why did the mermaid go blind? She was low on vitamin SEA.
* Seven days without a pun make one week.
* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”
* An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
* I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at Will'.
* They put up a sign at AA rehab, it said 'Keep off the Grass'.
* A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
* The smart carpenter nailed it, then the newbie screwed it up.
* I couldn't figure out lightning, then it struck me.
* Guess what's in my will, it's a dead giveaway.
* Santa Clause must live in Brazil, because our gifts came from the Amazon.
* Glue salespeople stick to their word.
* I almost bought a book about phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.
* I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
* Small babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies are delivered by crane.
* You're stunning when you hold the taser that way.
* You may have my old batteries, free of charge.
* Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.
* I like a tight bracelet, but I just can't pull it off.
* Cold? Stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.
* Why did the snowman call his dog Frost? Because Frost bites.
* Waldo wears stripes because he doesn't wish to be spotted.
* What's a plumbers’ favorite shoes? Clogs.
* The fire at the circus was in-tents.
* What's the great thing about Switzerland? Their flag is a big plus!
* How did the construction worker cut a tunnel through rock? He had a professor “boar” it to pieces.
* Crafting airplane parts for a movie, is quite easy, it's a bunch of visual “props”.
* As an airplane mechanic, I have to give airports “props” for “propelling” my career. I like the spinning atmosphere.
* On a road trip, I needed a mechanic. He asked what brings me around these “parts”.
* A peace officer held his speed meter far out the window, and a man on a motorcycle hit his arm on it. The officer got a black and blue eye from the speed meter. The officer said, “We clocked each other!”
* I'm competing for the “spokes-person” job at a bicycle tire factory.
* I asked a mermaid if her fridge is running. She said no, it's swimming.
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From Internet Memes aka Motivational Posters
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* If the pen is mightier than the sword, why do actions speak louder than words?
* What if I like it, but don't put a ring on it?
* I notice a gentleman, do I say Hey or Hello?
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Advice for Jokes and Timing
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* Don't laugh at your jokes.
* Don't mess up the punch line.
* Dirty/pervy/gross/raciest/sexist/toilet/mean jokes aren't creative or funny.
* Jokes exist to brighten your day, and should only bring happiness to others.
* Long jokes irritate people.
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Internet Resources
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* http://whatport80.com/Main_Page is an encyclopedia of Internet Memes (Popular Jokes/Fads), and spoofs of culture.

* PunPedia, an encyclopedia of puns: http://punpedia.org/

humor/quick_jokes.txt · Last modified: 2017/09/14 06:38 by reb