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humor:marriage_jokes
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| - | To protect the questionably innocent, most sources are unknown. These marriage jokes are quick and lite humor. Real marriage is heartfelt and sacred, with reverence to our maker. Yet our maker loves laughter, so enjoy these jokes. \\ | + | To protect the questionably innocent, most sources are unknown. These marriage jokes are quick and lite humor. Real marriage is heartfelt and sacred, with reverence to our maker. Yet our maker loves laughter, so enjoy these jokes. - Royce Edward Barber of ONTU.org\\ |
| - | . \\ | + | |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ Marriage is made in Heaven! So is lightning and thunder. \\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ Don't laugh at your wifes choices, you're one of them. \\ | + | ❤ Marriage is made in Heaven! So is lightning and thunder.\\ |
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | ❤ Don't laugh at your wives choices, you're one of them.\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| ❤ We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.\\ | ❤ We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.\\ | ||
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| ❤ Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.\\ | ❤ Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. \\ | + | ❤ Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| ❤ Married men live longer, or maybe it just seems longer.\\ | ❤ Married men live longer, or maybe it just seems longer.\\ | ||
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| ❤ A three ring circus is engagement ring, wedding ring, then suffer-ing.\\ | ❤ A three ring circus is engagement ring, wedding ring, then suffer-ing.\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.\\ | + | ❤ A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. |
| + | |||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | ❤ My husband yaps so much his tongue got sunburnt, so I bandaged his mouth shut. \\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| ❤ My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield\\ | ❤ My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ I haven't spoken to my wife all day - I don't like to interrupt her.\\ | + | ❤ I haven't spoken to my wife all day – I don't like to interrupt her.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. \\ | + | ❤ The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| ❤ The most effective way to remember your wife's name, is to forget it once.\\ | ❤ The most effective way to remember your wife's name, is to forget it once.\\ | ||
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| ❤ Bob got one wish, with the condition his wife gets a double dose. He wished, "Beat me half to death".\\ | ❤ Bob got one wish, with the condition his wife gets a double dose. He wished, "Beat me half to death".\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.\\ | + | ❤ A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present. |
| + | |||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | ❤ My wife is a doctor, but her patients are sick, I told her it must be her face.\\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | ❤ I never thought I'd be glad to see her again, and you know what, I'm not. | ||
| + | |||
| + | . | ||
| + | |||
| + | ❤ A man loves his wives defects, a woman says her defects kept her from a marrying a useful man.\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| ❤ Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence - a life sentence.\\ | ❤ Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence - a life sentence.\\ | ||
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| ❤ Love is blind until marriage which is an eye opener.\\ | ❤ Love is blind until marriage which is an eye opener.\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ Love is a delusion cured by marriage. \\ | + | ❤ Love is a delusion cured by marriage.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| ❤ A man mutters a few words in church and finds himself married. Twenty years later he mutters a few words in his sleep and finds himself divorced.\\ | ❤ A man mutters a few words in church and finds himself married. Twenty years later he mutters a few words in his sleep and finds himself divorced.\\ | ||
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| ❤ In ancient china, a man didn't know his wife until their marriage. In modern America the same is true.\\ | ❤ In ancient china, a man didn't know his wife until their marriage. In modern America the same is true.\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ To calculate the cost of marriage, take everything you have and toss it in a volcano, once a month until you die.\\ | + | ❤ To calculate the cost of marriage, take everything you have and toss it in a volcano, once a month until you die.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ We know why a newly married man looks happy, yet wonder why a ten-year married man looks happy.\\ | + | ❤ We know why a newly married man looks happy, yet wonder why a ten-year married man looks happy.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ A man said he would go through hell for his woman, and was held to that promise. \\ | + | ❤ A man said he would go through hell for his woman, and was held to that promise.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.\\ | + | ❤ A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland\\ | + | ❤ A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. – Helen Rowland\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie\\ | + | ❤ An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.\\ | + | ❤ Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates\\ | + | ❤ By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. – Socrates\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| ❤ Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.\\ | ❤ Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.\\ | ||
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| ❤ English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.\\ | ❤ English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ Honolulu has everything. Sand for the kids, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd\\ | + | ❤ Honolulu has everything. Sand for the kids, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. – Ken Dodd\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| ❤ I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.\\ | ❤ I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.\\ | ||
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| ❤ I've been asked to say a few words about my husband. How about bald and cheap?\\ | ❤ I've been asked to say a few words about my husband. How about bald and cheap?\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin\\ | + | ❤ I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. – Dick Martin\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| ❤ If women cared about one another, they would never let a man enter the group.\\ | ❤ If women cared about one another, they would never let a man enter the group.\\ | ||
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| ❤ I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.\\ | ❤ I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way...or path.\\ | + | ❤ If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way…or path.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| ❤ Marriage is a nice hot bath…with the window open in winter.\\ | ❤ Marriage is a nice hot bath…with the window open in winter.\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov\\ | + | ❤ If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. – Chekhov\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| ❤ Rings go on the woman's finger and the mans wrists.\\ | ❤ Rings go on the woman's finger and the mans wrists.\\ | ||
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| ❤ I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.\\ | ❤ I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- Guitry\\ | + | ❤ When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Guitry\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| ❤ When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.\\ | ❤ When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.\\ | ||
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| ❤ The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.\\ | ❤ The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband. \\ | + | ❤ The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.\\ |
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | ❤ My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.\\ | ||
| + | .\\ | ||
| + | ❤ My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.\\ | ||
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it. \\ | + | ❤ May you never leave your marriage alive.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way. \\ | + | ❤ Man discovered fire and found a fire engine to put it out. Then he discovered love and found marriage to put it out.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ May you never leave your marriage alive. \\ | + | ❤ A woman wears white on the happiest day of her life. The man wears black. |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ Man discovered fire and invented the fire engine. Then he discovered love and invented marriage. \\ | + | ❤ My wife wanted something to go 0 to 60 quickly, so I bought a bathroom scale.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ A woman wears white on the happiest day of her life. The man wears black. \\ | + | ❤ My wife called me bright as the night sky, so I mooned her.\\ |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ She won the lotto? All the sudden she's pretty. \\ | + | ❤ Nine out of ten makeup stores my wife pays to call her pretty, have asked me for a raise. |
| .\\ | .\\ | ||
| - | ❤ He is over 6 feet tall? All the sudden he's handsome. | + | ❤ Jill: If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee. Jack: If you were my wife I'd drink it.\\ |
| + | . | ||
| + | |||
| + | ❤ Marriage is an institution, who wants to live in one of those? - Groucho Marx. Submitted by Tim Ehnstrom of Springfield MA. | ||
| . | . | ||
humor/marriage_jokes.1504852179.txt.gz · Last modified: 2017/09/08 06:29 by reb
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