Marriage Jokes

Submitted by reb on Mon, 03/21/2016 - 16:03

To protect the questionably innocent, most sources are unknown. These marriage jokes are quick and lite humor. Real marriage is heartfelt and sacred, with reverence to our maker. Yet our maker loves laughter, so enjoy these jokes. 



Marriage is made in Heaven! So is lightning and thunder. 

Don't laugh at your wifes choices, you're one of them. 

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. 

Married men live longer, or maybe it just seems longer.

Marriage is the only war in which you can sleep with the enemy.

In marriage, one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

A three ring circus is engagement ring, wedding ring, then suffer-ing.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife all day - I don't like to interrupt her.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. 

The most effective way to remember your wife's name, is to forget it once.

A gentleman put an ad in the paper, seeking a bride. By noon he received 100 letters, saying "You can have mine".

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Bob got one wish, with the condition his wife gets a double dose. He wished, "Beat me half to death".

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence - a life sentence.

Marriage is a violin. After the sweet music, the strings are attached.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Love is blind until marriage which is an eye opener.

Love is a delusion cured by marriage. 

❤ A man mutters a few words in church and finds himself married. Twenty years later he mutters a few words in his sleep and finds himself divorced.

❤ In ancient china, a man didn't know his wife until their marriage. In modern America the same is true.

❤​​​​​​​ To calculate the cost of marriage, take everything you have and toss it in a volcano, once a month until you die.

❤​​​​​​​ We know why a newly married man looks happy, yet wonder why a ten-year married man looks happy.

❤​​​​​​​ A man said he would go through hell for his woman, and was held to that promise. 

❤​​​​​​​ A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

❤​​​​​​​ A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland

❤​​​​​​​ An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie

❤​​​​​​​ Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

❤​​​​​​​ By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

❤​​​​​​​ Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

❤​​​​​​​ English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

❤​​​​​​​ Honolulu has everything. Sand for the kids, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd

❤​​​​​​​ I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.

❤​​​​​​​ I've been asked to say a few words about my husband. How about bald and cheap?

❤​​​​​​​ I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin

❤​​​​​​​ If women cared about one another, they would never let a man enter the group.

❤​​​​​​​ I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

❤​​​​​​​ If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way...or path.

❤​​​​​​​ Marriage is a nice hot bath…with the window open in winter.

❤​​​​​​​ If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov

❤​​​​​​​ Rings go on the woman's finger and the mans wrists.

❤​​​​​​​ May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living.

❤​​​​​​​ I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

❤​​​​​​​ When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- Guitry

❤​​​​​​​ When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.

❤​​​​​​​ Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you find annoying and buy her a house.

❤​​​​​​​ My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

❤​​​​​​​ The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

❤​​​​​​​ The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband. 

❤​​​​​​​ My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it. 

❤​​​​​​​ My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way. 

❤​​​​​​​ May you never leave your marriage alive. 

❤​​​​​​​ Man discovered fire and invented the fire engine. Then he discovered love and invented marriage. 

❤​​​​​​​ A woman wears white on the happiest day of her life. The man wears black. 

❤​​​​​​​ She won the lotto? All the sudden she's pretty. 

❤​​​​​​​ He is over 6 feet tall? All the sudden he's handsome.